Naked

Last night I woke up at four in the morning from a nightmare. I was in my childhood bedroom with my younger brother, and someone was hunting us, trying to get in to harm us. We could hear him yelling in the darkness outside the windows, but I couldn’t get them closed – we were vulnerable, only the screens blocked us from the outside. We piled behind the bed and looked out, nervous and afraid, ready to fight.

My brother is in surgery as I write this. A few days ago he flipped off of his bike and fractured his collarbone. The bone’s starting to poke through the skin so he has to have an operation to pin it in place.

After waking up last night I tried to talk myself down from the irrational fear that this is when the other shoe drops. After all the good news of the pregnancy, this is bad on the rise. I kept telling myself that it’s silly to see a relationship between non-related events, that the one thing does not logically lead to the other. This isn’t a novel.

I irrationally wonder if I should even be writing about this, or posting it here. When S told her aunt she was pregnant, her aunt said, “pfft, pfft, pfft – no bad news!” It’s a Jewish superstition. But you can’t keep life from happening.

The pregnancy has raised my awareness that I can’t always protect the people I love. Soon I’ll have a little baby that I’ll want to protect so much, and yet she or he will have to go through the same things we all do in life, the good and the bad. All we can do is enjoy the time we have with people while they’re here and in good spirits, and support and love them when they’re not. We are often helpless, naked, unable to prevent sickness and injury and death in the people we care about. But we have to stay positive.

That’s one of the reasons a person has children, right? Because you hope for the future, because you believe that the world will get better and not worse. No matter how many times shit is thrown in your path you walk around it, and keep going. My brother will heal, the baby will be born, and whatever evil was lurking outside in my dream will stay out, leaving us to appreciate how close we came, with only the thin screens between it and us huddled by the bed. Things are going to be ok in the end. I know it.

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