Two Views from Right Now

Our bed has become a metaphor for our relationship. We both sleep on it, but now she has her side, covered by a fluffy down comforter, and I have my side, with our usual sheets and quilt. When the weather turned cold she wanted more covers, and I can’t sleep under heavy blankets without overheating, unless it’s really freezing. And, while we used to like cuddling in the morning, especially after hitting snooze on the alarm, the past couple of weeks she’s not been into touching too much. She wants her own space. So the separate bedding keeps us apart, each in our own cocoon, though we still sleep next to one another on the same mattress.

Pregnancy is a hard thing to describe, and to understand from the outside. Sometimes I think of S as being sick, which isn’t true at all. I describe her as having cramps or feeling queasy, when really, she says, what she’s feeling is different, sometimes less specific, like a general discomfort or an unusual sensation. And her state’s often changeable. Headaches, woozy stomach feelings, fatigue, hunger, suddenly come and go, and other times linger throughout the day. It’s something I’m totally outside of, and can’t relate to. I try not to annoy her by asking if she needs help all the time. I try not to be annoyed when she can’t commit to meeting a friend or do something, because she has no idea if she’ll be in the mood to talk or go out. I try my best to do as many chores as I can around the house, so that she can focus on keeping herself healthy. And I try to smile and stay positive, which is sometimes hard, because her changing body makes her feel grumpy and a little down. This is probably the first time in our relationship we’ve ever felt so different from one another.


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