On Monday the OB left my wife a message: she carries cystic fibrosis as well as some mental degenerative disorder (we couldn’t quite catch the long-ass name). If I’m a carrier too then our child has a 25% chance of being born with one of these conditions. That’s unlikely because I’m English/Irish and those diseases aren’t seen much in those populations.

But the possibility has us going, and worries that I’ve tried to smother with optimism have woken up. I don’t know my biological father, so part of me’s a mystery. And on my mother’s side I have an uncle with mild cerebral palsy. It affects his graphomotor skills. My cousin gave birth to a son with similar issues a few years ago. Could this be genetic? And if so, can they test for it? In this light we’ve begun seeing S’s fatigue and bloated feelings as something ominous.

I go for the blood test tomorrow, and on Monday we have an ultrasound to check in on the embryo’s development. We’re looking forward to getting some information and either laying our worries to rest or making plans about what to do. We need to know. Right now we feel too much in the dark.


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